That old chestnut: Humor

I think I've averaged about a post a month before. In case no one's noticed, my New Year's resolution for my blog was to slack more. Go, me!

But, as so often happens, circumstances compel me to blog. Anger hasn't motivated me this time, however, nor has atypical bright shiny optimism. Instead, I've noted in the past two weeks a barrage of ridiculous news. Ever since that peculiar Saturday where the Vice-President shot a dude in the face, I've noticed a sharp rise in news that's just bizarre. Some of it's funny, some tragic, but most of it is just cases where people really, really need to be mocked. Not only that, but I feel the need to repackage the work others have already done in my own almost-unique brand of reportage. And so, without further ado and in no particular order, I give you The Dr. Suspicio List of Crazy Shit That's Happened (for February!):

• Cheney, just in case you haven't been kept apprised, appears to have had a couple of beers before going out shooting with buddies. Aside from being just silly and dumb, it also brings into stark focus the fact that the only reason that Cheney doesn't have a Yale degree in common with Bush is that they have heavy alcohol abuse in common instead. And drunk driving arrests, as well! Yay! Seriously, how did we elect these guys again?
• Okay, on to the actual weird shit! Paris Hilton was at a fashion show (actually, the show's after-party, I believe) in London on the 14th when PETA members made an appearance and pelted the nutty Ms. Hilton with "flour bombs." How fucking far gone do you have to be to think that physically attacking a person only peripherally related to an issue you care passionately about will make a difference? Pretty far, yeah? So how far past that do you have to be to think that dousing them in flour will do it? And did I mention that this "attack" took place outside the Cuckoo Club?
  
• When you hear the name Clay Aiken, what comes to mind? Anyone? Anyone? Well, apparently the reality that he is simultaneously a (perceived) good singer and is gay comes as a hysteria-inducing shock to nine of his fans. So much so that they are considering a class-action lawsuit to get their money back, claiming that Sony has engaged in deceptive advertising. Apparently they believed that the promotion of a "virginal, asexual" character means that they get to sue him because in real life, he's actually gay. And has sex. (At least the members of this freakish ennead have had the good sense to conceal their identities.)
• On to funner things! One Bill Tierney, formerly of the UN weapons inspection team assigned to Iraq in the late 1990s, revealed to National Review this week that he enjoyed a unique resource in his work: "God is my intel." Apparently, this guy managed to hold a serious job while utilizing visions, dreams, prayers and hunches in deciding where to direct his efforts-and believes that history will bear him out. The New Republic jokes "God is my weapons inspector" will become a new bumper sticker; I think such things might be even funnier than the ones I see saying "Don't Worry, God Is In Control." At least he's a former weapons inspector.
• Speaking of the National Review, I just found a book review on their site. They call Jimmy Carter's latest book "A Nasty Piece of Work." Even I think he was an ineffectual fuckup of a President, but really, can you imagine him as anything but a sweet old man? These guys can, apparently, writing that he has "an inner core of awfulness."
• Now let us turn our attention to the 6th Congressional District of Ohio. State Senator Charlie Wilson is running as a Democrat...kind of. He was considered a serious candidate until he turned in the requisite signatures list to get on the ballot. There were 96 on the original list; after examination, only 48 were valid, and Ohio requires 50 to get on the ballot. The Washington Post now lists the district as the 2nd most likely in the country to switch parties and says that a write-in campaign may be his only remaining hope. My only hope is that The Daily Show noted this and gave this guy his requisite ribbing, because I obviously have more competence at gathering signatures than this guy does.
• The South Dakota House has just finished passing House Bill 1215 with the changes the South Dakota Senate made to it, sending it to Governor Mike Rounds' desk. The bill bans all abortion in the state, with exceptions kindly made for circumstances where the mother's life is at stake. The Governor has stated that he's inclined to sign it. ...wait a minute, that's not funny! Shit! These guys think that with Roberts and Alito on the court, Roe vs. Wade might finally be overturned, and they might be right! Or maybe not. Maybe they'll get backhanded and it'll be hilarous. Either way, it's an armpit of a state.
• Speaking of that armpit of a state (and reaching back a ways for more comedy), did I mention that Tom Daschle is considering a run for President? Apparently he hasn't learned two key lessons: A, that he's a vacuous centrist with no people skills, and B, that sucking up to Republicans and then losing your house of Congress doesn't get you a Democratic Presidential nomination. Dick Gephardt proved that point.
• Cruella de Vil is running for the Senate! Oh, wait, that's Katherine Harris. The New Republic has a full-length article on her this week, though-and on how miserably she's doing. The latest polls show her trailing the formerly shaky Democratic incumbent, Ben Nelson, by fifteen points. Not only that, but the White House is quite lukewarm on her, and the GOP is afraid she'll drag down Republican candidates around her. We have Hackett, they have Cruella. But she's got staying power, and that's what matters-at least so far as my amusement is concerned.
• Let me wrap this sucker up with fun from that bastion of hilarity, Utah. The Utah Supreme Court removed Walter Steed from the bench of the Justice Court in Hilldale, Utah. Apparently, shock of shocks, Mr. Steed isn't just a Mormon but a practicing bigamist! After 25 years of service on the court and a 14-month investigation, the Utah Supreme Court just won't stand for this anymore! (In case you're wondering why it took 14 months of investigating to discover this, the man has 3 wives and 32 children between them. Obviously, this is a difficult thing to uncover.) Other handy fun facts revealed by this little episode: Mr. Steed isn't just a judge, but a part-time judge/part-time truck driver, Justice Court judges in Utah are not required to have any legal training whatsoever, and his three wives are sisters.
  

Well. That's quite enough crazy for me.

Just remember, kids, the stupid people will only win if we let them breed. (32 children. Jesus, we're behind.)